Within You
by SurpriseSushi
Summary: You go to the funeral, despite how much it hurts. But you haven't even wrapped your head around this. His body isn't there, you know it can't be, but because of that it feels like a complete lie. Rated K  for character death.


**Within You**

A Harry Potter one-shot by SurpriseSushi

_**"Lupin turned away from the archway as he spoke. It sounded as though every word was causing him pain."**_

**Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, J.K. Rowling**

They couldn't have an open coffin. There was no body to present. To you, the entire ordeal feels like a lie. Without the cold finality of seeing him, motionless, _breathless_, laying inside a wooden coffin, you find the funeral much harder then it perhaps would have been if his body was there. You stand there, watch them lower an empty casket into the ground, Tonks holding onto your arm, tears silently flowing down her cheeks. You are unable to cry. The tears refuse to come. You hadn't cried once, the shock - the numbness - hadn't retreated since the battle in the Department of Mysteries, since watching your best friend, your _everything_, disappear behind the viel, since you had to face the fact that you would never see him again, and since you were forced to realise that he was as good as dead. _You stand there_, watching the wizards magic the dirt back into the ground ontop of the wooden box meant to signify Sirius. It makes you sick.

You watch Dumbledore step up, and look down at the freshly dug up ground. He lets out a long sigh, and begins. "In every life, we meet someone... someone quite out of the ordinary. I believe Sirius Orion Black takes this particular cake. Sirius was a man of honor, friendship, and most importantly, and most especially, _loyalty_. You could not find another man with such devotion to his friends. Those who knew him in Hogwarts knew him as mostly loud, rumbuncsious, and a troublemaker, but knew that no matter his punishment, he would never tell on his friends." He's wringing his hands, and looks genuinely lost for a minute. He continues. "Sirius Black was so much more than a friend to most of us. Much more than even family to a handful of us. To believe that he had betrayed his friends, as so many of us had, was a betrayal on our part. To imagine, for even a second, that a man who would have died for any of us... to believe that such a man was capable of selling out his best friends is unthinkable. But many of us did exactly that."

Here, Dumbledore pauses, sighing again. His blue eyes are glistening, and his hands twirl his wand. "Sirius... Sirius Black will never be forgotten. We would find that quite impossible, even if one were to try. You see, the one's who love us," He lifts his wand, lighting the tip, basking himself in light, his wrinkles more apearent then ever. Others follow suit, the dark cemetary suddenly alight with the glow of dozens of wands, the snow reached an almost blinding brightness. "never truely leave us."

You feel Tonks let go of your arm, and lift her own wand, and you try to. You reach into your cloak and grasp your wand, but you are unable to bring yourself to pull it out and lift it into the air. You stare at Dumbledore, and look at the many faces amongst the glow, and feel detached. You force yourself to drag your arm out of your coat, your fist still clenged around your wand, and lift it into the air with emense effort. The glow of your own wand blinds you. You blink several times, and before long, you put it back down, looking away from the glow, the whitenness like a hot iron on your skin.

"Remus?" You stand - where you thought you were alone - in front of the gravestone where 'Sirius Orion Black: 1960-1995 _True honestly comes to few._' was newly carved. You continue to stare at the granite, ignoring the deliberately slow, crunching footsteps you hear coming closer from behind you. "I thought you'd still be here." Dumbledore walks up to stand beside you, and to stare at the gravestone with you. An uncomfortable silence falls like weight between you, Dumbledore not knowing what to say, which is the first time for a _very_ long while, and you do not want to say anything. Not a word is spoken until Dumbledore says: "Remus..."

"Don't." You interject immediately. You still don't look away from the stone, you don't turn to face Dumbledore.

"Don't what?" Dumbledore asks gently. You feel his blue eyes on the back of your head.

"You know what. Don't tell me everything will be alright, because you know it wont be. It'll never be again. He's gone, Albus, and nothing you can say can bring him back."

"I do not mean to bring him back, nor can I. Once a person is dead, they cannot be brought back to life, no matter how hard you try." You flinch at the word 'dead', the whole ordeal is still so surreal to you. "I'm sorry for the bluntness, Remus, but to face the truth is the first step to recovery."

"Recovery...?" You sigh, your breath appears as mist in front of your face. "I just..." You try to explain, reaching around for the right words. "I just feel so alone." That's the best you can muster, though you don't think it does the feeling you have any sort of justice. "Left to face this dark, evil monster by myself. I know," You stuff your hands into your pockets, trying to find something to do with them and finally giving up. "I know that there's the Order and all, we even have the Ministry at our side now. But he was..." You honestly can't find the words that would best describe what Sirius is to you - _was_ to you - so you remain silent.

"I understand how hard this can be. But I can only tell you that his death was not in vain." Dumbledore says gently, during your pause.

"Not in vain? What did we gain from his death?" You ask as you clutch your sleeves, trying to hold on so tightly to the little sanity you have left at the moment. But despite your continuous efforts, you feel it slipping through your fingers like water. You feel reality getting away from you. You finally turn when you feel Dumbledore's wizened hand fall on your shoulder. You see tears in those bright blue eyes for the first time that the sight almost pulls the tears from your own hazel eyes, but you stop yourself. You aren't sure why. "You can't tell me things will be better now that he's... dead." The word stings you, but you try to continue. "There was nothing to gain from this. Only everything to lose." You know you're rambling but you can't stop yourself.

"Remus, stop." He says. "It's not about gaining or losing. And things will certainly _not_ be better." He lifts his hand from your shoulder. "It's about celebrating a truely honest, special life. A life that belonged to a most courageous man." He smiles gently at you, and you feel your tears getting closer and closer to fall down your face. "I know you feel lost in this world so large... With... with current circumstances. But I think you will find that Harry, although you still think of him as a pupil, is much like James." You feel the tears finally escape you, and you decide not to hold them back any longer. "Talk to him, man to man. I do not mean for you to replace good friends with other people. Nor do I mean you are not allowed time to mourn. I wont deny you your humanity." Dumbledore says when he see's your tears. "I just mean for you too see... that there's a whole world of people. Willing to help us succeed. Willing to help us win this war. This war against evil. Are you?"

You look at him, and he's giving you this serious look. "Of course." You say, your voice thick. You turn once again to the grave. _Sirius Orion Black._

"I'm glad." Dumbledore replies. And with that, he turns, and walks away from you and the grave, his robes fluttering silently.

You can't help but smile. You wait till you can no longer hear Dumbledore to speak. "Sirius. I... I'm going to need sometime. But soon... soon I will be able to fight. For you as well as for me." You raise your wand, and light it. The light, although very bright, does not feel like a hot iron on your skin. In fact, you feel a little weight lift from your shoulders. There is still saddness pulling at your heart, but you feel like you can face the day, and the many days to follow. The difficult days ahead. You lower your wand, and you laugh as more tears flow down your cheeks.

/

**A/N: I do not own Harry Potter.**

** More fluffy depressive stuff. It comes to me the easiest, which may or may not be a good thing... A kind of therapy session for me. I wonder if a captured Dumbledore's aloof - yet all-knowing - ness? Please let me know; feed back on that subject would be fantastic and greatly appreciated!**

_**Yours, as always,**_

_**~SurpriseSushi**_


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